Samiha Julakha
June 8, 2013
APLC
Mrs. Parham
Dear Darling Future
Child,
I always needed to feel as if my life was meaningful. I
write to you with a little hesitation, a little anxiety, and a litte hope. You
may think you’re wise, experienced and incredibly mature—as many have told
you—but you’re still as small as the duniya[1]
makes you feel. I live in Fairfield County, which is considered to be one of
the wealthiest counties in Connecticut—even though I’m still earning minimum
wage. It was here that I realized everyone is fighting a battle and its best to
be kind, whether they are rich and arrogant or working for less pay than they
can live on.[2]
I wanted to be an anonymous donor, a nameless benefactor, to everyone else[3]
and therefore be able to add significance to my life. In order to be and do
something important, you can’t be afraid to take on the adventure.
To wash away the toxins in your body, you drink water. To
get rid of the love handles, you exercise. For many women, a necessary feature
of personhood was the capability of controlling the functioning of their own
bodies (Fineman 9). I didn’t possess that feature. I was the little girl in the
French FibreThin ad—imagining what it’s like to achieve ideal beauty and
slenderness (Bordo 12). I’ve been stuck on this for quite a while now, but I
continue to vomit. What am I actually good at? I’m good at sitting here quietly
trying to understand the conversations around my ears.
There
was this moment where I truly rejected all control of my life, and became
completely free, to the point where you think “this is the worst that life can
be.” But not because your beauty had gained weight, or your body had
malfunctioned with makeup,[4]
but because of the choices you make.[5] It
may not be much, but then you hate yourself, and I think it’s necessary to go
through the phase. You can’t finish the book without reading the chapter.
Remember to breathe. Breathing is a natural phenomenon
that you never forget right? Unless you’re spending most of your day sucking in
your tummy, a reminder is gladly appreciated.
I wonder if a deliciously baked child would be more filling and less
calorie absorbing than a good ol’ Boston Kreme donut.[6]
You
know love, sometimes I’m an emotional wreck and that confuses me. Why do we
have such little control over how we act? When I was a kid, and I thought I was
wise and “cool,” all I wanted to do was grow up and become rich.[7]
But in Fairfield County, if you’re not born rich, you’ve got no other choice
but to struggle through it and get rich on your own, it’s what the American
Dream is all about. Unfortunately, passed the age of 13, you’re not considered
a potential influential millionaire.[8]
All I ever wanted to do was grow up and write my own “A Small Place” or “How to
Tame a Wild Tongue” and finally become famous. Drugs don’t work, even though
I’ve never tried them. Plus, I just couldn’t risk my figure. It’s interesting;
every feeling is just a chemical. It’s almost like I’m tripping on acid—which,
along with shrooms is off limits to you— like my feelings really are chemicals.
My high school chemistry textbook talked about chemistry being one of the most
important elements of science.[9]
Why? Maybe it was because of all the chemicals we use in chemistry that causes
a reaction to occur, just like my own emotions. It’s like the sinusoidal
functions where the closest resemblance to the function is a wave, where the
wave is nothing more than a rollercoaster of my own emotions.[10]
Maybe that’s why I struggled with science and math for a good chapter of my life;
it was too emotional for my own emotions.
One
thing that I’ve really understood from living here was that in our society, as
a teenager, this ‘chemical’ isn’t accepted. If you’re vulgar, you’re seen as “unfeminine,”[11]
and if you don’t have the latest iPhone you’re seen as “poor.” This truth is
everywhere, even if it is unspoken.[12] I
don’t want to fall into this materialistic culture, where the bubbly music of a
Candy Crush game means more to me than quality bonding time with a dost.[13]
While finding the missing sides of a right triangle may be important, what’s
more important is how to deal with basic life situations. I think the best
resolution for this materialistic culture would be to spend a chapter of our
lives following the footsteps of Henry David Thoreau at Walden Pond trying to
benefit from the natural setting encompassing us.[14]
Speaking
of nature, there’s two places I’ve learned to believe in. One is jannat, and the other one jahanam.[15]
There’s no shame if you don’t believe—even though as a Musalmahn[16]
it’s a necessary pillar in your faith—many people don’t. We think of heaven and
hell the way we think of fire that is put into a pan[17];
two completely opposite things that complete each other like yin and yang.[18]
I’ve always thought of hell as a dark, fiery place filled with hate and people
who had done horrible things, but I’ve realized, that’s what our world actually
is. People hate each other, people hate themselves, people hate what other
people do,[19]
and ultimately hate the world around them. Whether you have seventeen grand or
a dollar,[20]
you’re forced to conform to a society[21]
where this world could possibly be another planet’s hell.[22]
Don’t
ever be a thief, love. I want you to become independent, not money hungry.
There was a man who was always poor until one day he found ways to make himself
richer through his tears.[23]
He had a knife in his hand, and wept helplessly into the “cup of his beloved
wife’s slain body in his arms,” whilst he sat on a mountain of pearls (Hosseini
33). Take pride in what you have. Believe in your goals. Never forget to dream.
Everyone has a kahaani,[24] yes
beta,[25]
you have one too. Every person we meet, every walk we take, every item we steal
all ends up in our story. So what if you’re not entirely happy with your story?
What matters most is what you do with the experience. The ink to your story is permanent, there’s no
super eraser for it.
Sadly,
it’s not accepted in Norwalk, it’s not accepted in Fairfield County, and
definitely not in America. Jaan,[26]
it’s difficult to admit that you’re not as strong as everyone believes. I’ve
done my share of wishing I could be someone else, wishing I could be somewhere
else, wishing I could be something else.[27]
Cuts and bruises, famished nights, the “I’m fine” lies, trust me, I’ve done it
all. I know you’re thinking “Ami, kyun?”[28] and
I wish I knew the answer to that myself. Maybe I was taking a step to conform
to this materialistic, narcissistic society,[29]
or maybe it was my call for help. Regardless of what it may have been, I don’t
want you to fall into the same pit.[30]
It’s a scary moment when you’re right on the edge of jumping off, knowing “this
could end my life,” and it’s the same moment I want to protect you from. It’s
important to act, to act in the living present,[31]
but never forget about how the present is your anivali-kaal.[32]
I’m sure you’re wondering why this is relevant to you and
why your mother is such a troubled lunatic. But I can assure you, while that
may be true; I want you to understand that life can throw the curveball anytime
it deems to be right. It’s one chapter after the other, and darling your book
has only just begun. You may be 12 or 17 years old, and maybe writing to you
was just a way for me to discover myself. “We have to do with the past only as
we can make it useful to the present and to the future,” and you, beta, are the
future of my past (Douglass 6). If you take a good girl, and leave her in this
American culture, then she’ll become nothing but blurred lines on a page, and
the most important thing to do is be the genius that can repair the decay of
things.[33] I
want you to be that genius. I wish I could have gotten the chance to start all
over again, and be that genius.[34]
Every intangible chemical is real. Every poem that has
ever been written, every song that’s ever been sung, every great romantic love
is all a part of a giant chemical reaction. I shoot for the moon every time,
because it may be worth the jump. It’s hard to fail at everything, so I decide
to take on the challenge. I wanted to be taught by the origin of poems, and to
learn on my own to filter for myself.[35]
Through Emerson and Whitman, I learned that it is true. Everyone has a purpose
and taking the easy way out may be a favored option, but its better stay for a
while and question everything.[36] I
try to see the beauty where others do not. I don’t want to believe everything I
read, heard or am told. Neither should you. Everyone has a purpose; no
judgment. No purpose is better or worse than any other, and no person is the
judge of any other.
And
maybe you’re not like this at all, maybe you won’t be a mess up like your
mother. But regardless of what you want to be, I know you will always be beautiful
at whatever you do. There’s a better reason to keep going rather than just sitting
here and thinking that “life couldn’t be any worse right now.” Turn even the
worst situations upside down and let those chemicals run wild. I know I’m still
trying to figure it out for myself as well.
Love,
Your Ami, Samiha
[1]
World – Bengali, Hindi, Urdu
[2]
Ehrenreich, Barbara. Nickel and Dimed: On (not) Getting
by in America. New York: Metropolitan, 2001. Print.
[3]
Ehrenreich, Barbara. Nickel and Dimed: On (not) Getting
by in America. New York: Metropolitan, 2001. Print.
[4]
Trope
[5]
Juxtaposition
[6]
Swift, Jonathan. "A Modest Proposal." Jonathan Swift - A Modest Proposal.
N.p., n.d. Web. 08 June 2013.
[7]
“Cool” Bordo, Susan. "Hunger as
Ideology." N.p., n.d. Web. 09 June 2013.
[8] APLC Seminar – Ms. Parham
[9]
Dingrando, Laurel. Chemistry: Matter and Change.
New York, NY: Glencoe/McGraw-Hill, 2005. Print.
[10]
Sullivan, Michael. Precalculus. Upper Saddle
River, NJ: Prentice Hall, 2002. Print.
[11]Gender
Roles & Sontag
[12]
Whitman, Walt. "Walt Whitman. Leaves of
Grass." Walt Whitman.
Leaves of Grass. N.p., n.d. Web. 09 June 2013.
[13]
Friend – Bengali, Hindi, Urdu
[14]
Thoreau, Henry David. Walden. New York: Dodd, Mead,
1946. Print.
[15]
Heaven and Hell – Arabic
[16]
Muslim
[17]
Emerson, Ralph W. "The Poet." The Poet. N.p., n.d. Web. 10
June 2013.
[18]
Antithesis
[19]
Anaphora
[20]
Steve Martin
[21]
APLC Seminar on Society
[22]
"Peter's Quotations: Ideas for
Our Times [Paperback]." Peter's
Quotations: Ideas for Our Times: Laurence J. Peter: 9780688119096: Amazon.com:
Books. N.p., n.d. Web. 09 June 2013.
[23]
Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner
[24]
Story – Hindi, Urdu
[25]
Child – Hindi
[26]
My Life – Bengali, Hindi, Urdu
[27]
Anadiplosis
[28]
“Mom, Why? – Bengali, Hindi
[29]
APLC Seminar on Conformity in Society
[30]
Scare Tactic
[31]
Douglass, Fredrick. “What to the Slaves is the Fourth of July?” (Page 6)
[32]
Coming Tomorrow – Hindi
[33]
Emerson, Ralph W. "The Poet." The Poet. N.p., n.d. Web. 10
June 2013.
[34]
Genius – Emerson, Ralph W. "The Poet." The Poet. N.p., n.d. Web. 13
June 2013.
[35]
Whitman, Walt. "Walt Whitman. Leaves of
Grass." Walt Whitman.
Leaves of Grass. N.p., n.d. Web. 09 June 2013.
[36]
Walt Whitman and Ralph Waldo Emerson Seminar
